Shenanigans
by AnguaMarten
Summary: Hanji-sitting is difficult when sober. It's impossible when drunk.


It was kind of amazing, Petra reflected. Much as she respected the squad leader, she was also well known to be—in the politest of terms—batshit fucking insane. And that was sober. A drunk Hanji had the destructive power of a mid-class titan, except worse because at least titans don't try to get _creative_.

"You know what we're going to do? Build a titan playpen. With a bouncy thing. I love bouncy things. And one of those, those, what are they called. Jungle gyms."

"Squad leader, I really don't think that's the best idea. Besides, didn't Commander Smith want that info on potential ligament weakness immediately?"

Hanji's face immediately, and seamlessly, melted from unmitigated glee to puppy-eyed depression. "But my babies," she whispered forlornly. "What if they're sad? What if they're lonely? Oh, gods, I forgot to give Bean his blanky! They're growing boys, they need their exercise! What do little boys like to do? Petra, next time we see Eren, remind me to ask anyone but him."

"Listen, Hanji, I know how passionate you are about—"

"Say, Petra, have you met my sweeties?"

"Really, squad leader, that's quite alright."

Hanji tumbled over backwards, executed a flawless somersault, and jumped, swaying, to her feet. "Oooh, you have to see them!" she squealed. "They're getting so big! And you'll just love the saddle I'm rigging—in fact, how would you like to test it? Imagine, just riding up on a titan! What a perfect symbol of exciting new frontiers in titan-human relations!"

The problem with Drunk Hanji, Petra reflected, was that she really wasn't all that different from Sober Hanji. And the problem with Sober Hanji was that she was already the equivalent of a normal person on at least half an ounce of one of those mind-altering substances her Pa had always warned her to stay away from. Hanji could not be described. She had to be experienced.

Right now, she was running off with the same exuberant stride of a golden retriever, brimming head to toe with pure unbridled scientific curiosity. She was headed towards her laboratory, Petra noted with terror. That was the other thing about Drunk Hanji—the stuff she came up with while hammered _actually worked_.

"Hey, squad leader?" Petra called, chasing after her. Just her luck. She'd drawn Hanji-watching duty on the one day Hanji decided to get pissing drunk. "How much have you had to drink, exactly?"

"Mmmph." Hanji replied from the floor, where she sat pouring one mysterious green substance into another. "Not too much. I've been doing science, see. Experimenting. Set up a distillery over in the corner." She gestured wildly at a tower of bubbling plastic. It looked positively corrosive. "Seeing if I can ferment titan urine."

Petra's imagination actually shut down at that point.

"That was a joke, missy. Titans don't have excretory systems. Or genitals." Hanji chuckled, and took a swig out of what looked suspiciously like a jerry can. "And let me tell you, they're bloody bastards for it. Can't figure out how the hell they keep breeding." She motioned for Petra to sit down. "I've researched ever kind of reproductive system known to man and I'm still clueless. Do you know how _Apterameles rammei_ reproduces? I do. In explicit detail. But still. Nothing."

"Is that what you're researching now, squad leader?"

"Yup. That and every other damn thing under the sun. No one else will go near the poor sweet babies."

Hanji's habit of doting on the titans made Petra uncomfortable. It just wasn't right. No matter how much you joked about them, you joked because you were terrified. Of course, Hanji Zoe was a highly experience field officer who had seen plenty of active duty, as well as more close contact with the beasts than anyone else alive, and so Petra had no reason to think she didn't understand the horrors. Hanji had to know it better than anyone. But still.

How could anyone love something so monstrous?

"Anyway," said Hanji, finishing off a paragraph in her notebook with a flourish, "I must go onwards! Onwards into the field of new discovery!" She leaped up and jumped gracefully out of the nearest window. Petra, unimpressed, took the stairs.

When she caught up with her, Hanji was attempting to fix a harness onto Bean. That was the last straw.

"Squad leader, you cannot ride the titan."

"Nonsense."

"Squad leader, it's too dangerous."

"Oh, I'll be gentle. Beany Boy has nothing to worry about."

"Squa—"

"Giddyup!"

Thankfully, the titan was not versed in horse commands and so instead of running off, merely tried to eat Hanji's foot.

Petra eventually managed to get Hanji and the titan back where they belonged, only to find Hanji conked out on her laboratory floor ten minutes later. Petra still wasn't sure why she'd gotten so drunk, but she had to smile a little at her superior's childlike murmurs. Hanji was experimenting even in her sleep, she realized, carefully counting out molar weights and solute concentrations.

The only thing Petra could find in the vicinity was a fire blanket, but she covered Hanji with it all the same.


End file.
